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F B Fm7? Bm7
E--1-- E--1-- E--1-- E--1--|
B--1-- B--3-- B--1-- B--2--|
G--2-- G--3-- G--1-- G--1--|
D--3-- D--3-- D--1-- D--3--|
A--3-- A--1-- A--3-- A--1--|
E--1-- E--1-- E--1-- E--1--|
E-13-13-13-13-13-13-13-13-13-13-13-8h10p8-|-------------|
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G-------------|-------------|-------------|-----10------|
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F F
Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the
F F
stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the
F F
street from Jerry?s Bait Shop? You know the place? Well anyway, back then
F F F F
life was going swell and everything was juuuuust peachy? except of course
F F F F
for the undeniable fact that every single morning my mother would make me
F F F F
a big old bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast. Daaaaaaaouh! Big bowl of
F F
sauerkraut!
E-13------------|
B---13p10-------|
G--------10-----| F F F F F
D---------------| Every single morning! It was driving me crazy. I said to
A---------------|
E---------------|
F F
my mom, I said, ?Hey mom, what?s up with all the sauerkraut?? And my dear
F F F F
sweet mother she just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train.
F F F F
And she leaned right down next to me, and she said, ?It?s good for you!?
B B B B F F F F B B B
And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth
B F F F F B B B B F F
and force-fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty-six and a half
F F
years old. That?s when I swore that someday, someday I would get out of
F F F
that basement and travel to a magical far away place where the sun is
B F
always shining and the air smells like warm root beer and the towels are
B F B
oh so fluffy, where the shriners and the lepers play their ukulele?s all
F B
day long and anyone on the street?ll gladly shave you?re back for a
F B B B B F
nickel. Wakawakadoodoo yah! Well let me tell you people, that it wasn?t
F F F F
long at all before my dream came true because the very next day a local
F F
radio station had this contest to see who could correctly guess the number
F F F F
of molecules in Leonard Neroy?s butt. I was off by three but I still won
F F
the grand prize. That?s right a first class one-way ticket, to
F Fm7 B Bm7 F B F F Fm7 B Bm7 F B
A - lbuquerque, A - lbuquerque! Ah yah, you know I never
F F
been on a real airplane before and I gotta tell ya it was really great.
F F F F
Except that I had to ist between two large Albanian women with
F F
excruciatingly severe body odour and the little kid in back of me kept
F F
throwing up the whole time. The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper
F F F F
and salted peanuts and the in flight movie was "Biodome" with Polly Shore.
F
And oh yah three of the airplane's engines burned down and we went into a
B F
tailspin and crashed into a hillside and the plane exploded in a giant
B F F
fireball and everybody died! Except for me. You know why? ?Cause I had my
B F B
train table up, and my seat back in the full upright position, had my
F B F B
train table up, and my seat back in the full upright position, had my
F B F B
train table up, and my seat back in the full upright position. Ah ha ha
F F F F
ha! Oh ha ha! Ahhhh. So I crawled from the twisted burnin? wreckage, I
F F
crawled on my hands and knees for three full days, dragging along my big
F B F
leather suitcase, and my garment bag, and my tenor saxophone, and my
B F B
twelve-pound bowling ball and my lucky lucky autographed glow in the dark
F B B B B
snorkel. But finally a arrived at the world famous ?Albuquerque Holiday
F F F
Inn?, where the towels are oh so fluffy, and you could eat you?re soup
F F
right out of the ashtrays if you wanna, it?s OK their clean. Well I
F B F
checked into my room and I turned down the AC and I turned on the spectro
B F
vision and I was just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow
B F
that I love so very very much when suddenly there?s a knock on the door.
F F F F F
Well now who could that be? I say, ?who is it?? No answer. ?Who is it??
F
There?s no answer. ?Who is it!?? They?re not saying anything, so finally I
F
go over and I open the door and just as I suspected, it?s some big fat
F F F
hermaphrodite with a flock of seagull?s haircut and only one nostril. Oh
F F F B
man I hate it when I?m right. So anyway he burst into my room and grabbes
my lucky snorkel and I?m like ?hey, you can?t have that! That snorkel has
F F F
been just like a snorkel to me.? And he?s like ?tough? And I?m like ?give
F F F F
it.? And he?s like ?make me.? And I?m like ?k.? So I grabbed his leg and
B B F F B
he grabbed my oesophagus and I bit off his ear and he chewed off my
B F F
eyebrows and I took out his appendix and he gave me a valonic irrigation
F F
yes indeed you better believe it. And somehow in the middle of it all the
F F F F
phone got knocked off the hook, and twenty seconds later I heard a
F F
familiar voice, and you know what it said, I?ll tell you what it said, it
F F B B B F F B B F
said, ?if you?d like to make a call, please hang up and try again. If you
F B B F B F F
need help hang up and then dial you?re operator. If you?d like to make a
B B B F F B F F B B
call, please hang up and try again. If you need help hang up and then dial
F B F Fm7 B Bm7 F B F F Fm7 B Bm7 F
you?re operator. In A - lbuquerque, A - lbuquerque! Well
F F F
to cut a long story short he got away with my snorkel. But I made a solemn
F F
vow right then and there that I would rest, I would not sleep for an
F F F F
instant until the one-nostriled man was brought to justice. But first I
F F B B
decided to buy some donuts. So I got in my car and drove over to the donut
F B F
shop and I walked right up to the guy behind the counter and he says ?yah,
wadaya want??
E-13--------11--------------11131618------------------1113-| it ain't per--|
B-------------1311--------13--------1816----------1113---------------------| fect but it'l
G-----------------1311------------------171513--13-------------------------| give you some
D---------------------1310--------------------15---------------------------| thing to do
A--------------------------------------------------------------------------| till you fig
E--------------------------------------------------------------------------| ure it out
F F F F
I said, ? you got any glazed donuts?? He said, ?naaa were all out of
F F F F
glazed donuts.? I said, ?well you got any jelly donuts?? He said, ?naaa
F F
were all out of jelly donuts.? I said, ?you got any Bavarian cream-filled
F F F F
donuts?? He said, ?naaa were all out of Bavarian cream-filled donuts.? I
F F
said, ?you got any cinnamon rolls?? He said, ?naaa were all out of
F F F F
cinnamon rolls.? I said, ?you got any apple fritters!?? He said, ?naaa
F F
were out of apple fritters.? I said, ?you got any bear claws!!?? He said,
?wait a minute, I?ll go check.
E------------------------------------------------16-16-18-16-18-18b-|
B-18v----------------------------------------19-19-18---------------|
G------------------------------19-19-21-19-21-21--------------------|
D-----15v---------19-19-21-19-21-21---------------------------------|
A---------19h20h21--21----------------------------------------------|
E-------------------------------------------------------------------|
E-18-16-16-------------------|
B--------18-16-16------------|
G-------------18-18-15-15----|
D---------------------18-18--|
A-------------------------15-|
E----------------------------|
F F F
Naaa were out of bear claws.? I said, ?well in that case, in that case
F F F F
what do you have?? He said, ?all I?ve got right now is this box of one
E-24b -
B------
dozen starving crazed weasels.?G------| I said, ?OK I?ll take that.? So he
D------
A------
E------
F B F
hands over the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out and they
B F
immediately latch onto my face and start biting me all over ayiyi
F F F F
yiyiyiyi. Oh, oh man they were just going nuts! Their terin? me apart. You
F FF
know I think it was just about that time that little ditty started goin?
B Bb F FF B Bb
through my head. I believe it went a little something like this.
F F F F B B B B F F F F B B B B F F F F B B B
?Doooohgetemoffmegettemoffmeooogetemoffgettemoffoooohgetoooohgeooohoooahhh
B F F F F B B B B F F
hohhhiahhooohahahahhhohhhhh!? I ran out onto the street with these flesh
F F F F
eating weasels all over my face, waiving my arms all around and just
F F
runnin? and runnin? and runnin? like a constipated wiener dog. And as luck
F F F F
would have it, that?s exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams, her
F F
name was Zelda. She was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite
F F F F
and hair the colour of strange peaches. I?ll never forget the very first
F F F
thing she said to me, she said, ?hey, you got weasels on your face.?
F F
That?s when I knew it was true love, we were inseparable after that, oh we
F F F F
ate together, we bathed together, we even shared the same piece of mint-
F F F
flavoured dental floss. The world was our burrito. So we got married and
B F B
we bought us a house and had two beautiful children, Nathaniel and
F F F
Superfly. Oh we were so very very very happy, oh ya. But then one fateful
night Zelda said to me, she said, ?Sweetie-pumpkin, do you want to join
F FF F B Bb F B
the Columbia Record Club?? I said, ?Wooooah hold on now baby, I?m
F B F
just not ready for that kind of a commitment.? So we broke up and I never
F F F F F Fm7 B Bm7 F
saw her again but that?s just the way things go, . In A -
F B F Fm7 B Bm7 F
lbuquerque, A - lbuquerque!
E-16-16-16---16-16-16---16------16b16b17b17b17b18b18b-16-13-----------|
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G--------------------------------------------------------------14-----|
D-----------------------------------------------------------------15--|
A---------------------------------------------------------------------|
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D------17-------------16-------17--------------------|
A----------------------------------------------------|
E----------------------------------------------------|
F F
Anyway then things really started looking up for me, because about a week
F F F F
later I finally achieved my life-long dream. That?s right I got me a part
F F
time job at the ?Sizzler.? I even made employee-of-the-month after I put
F F
out that grease-fire with my face. Oh ya everyone was pretty jealous of me
F F F F
after that. I was getting lota attitude. OK like one time, I was out in
F F F F
the parking lot trying to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil, when
F F
I see this guy Marty tryin? to carry a big old sofa up the stairs all by
F F
himself. So I-I say to him, I say, ?hey, you want me to help you with
F F F F
that? And Marty he just rolls his eyes and goes, ?nooooo I want you to cut
F F B F F F F
off my arms and legs with a chain saw.? So I did. And then he gets all
B B B B F F F F B B B B
indignant on me, he?s like, ?hey mad I was just being sarcastic.? Well
F F F
that?s just great, how was I supposed to know that? I?m not a mind reader
F F
for crying out loud. Besides now he?s got a really cute nickname ?Torso
E-20-16-18-17-14-16----------------------------------------|
B-------------------20-16-18-17-13-15----------------------|
F F G-------------------------------------19-15-17-17-13-15----|
Boy?. D-------------------------------------------------------15-| So
A----------------------------------------------------------|
E----------------------------------------------------------|
what?s he complaining about? Say that reminds me of another amusing
F F F F
anecdote; this guy comes up to me on the street and tells me he hasn?t had
F F
a bite in three days. Well I knew what he meant but just to be funny I
F F F F
took a big bite out of his jugular vein, and he?s yelling and screaming
B
and bleeding all over and I?m like, ?hey come on don?t you get it?? But he
F F F B B F
just kept rolling around on the sidewalk bleeding and screaming, YAHHHH!
F B F F
OHHHH! AHHHH! And I?m completely missing the irony of the whole situation,
F F F F F F
man some people just can?t take a joke you know? Anyway, um? um? where was
F F F F F F
I? Kinda lost my train of thought. Oh, uh, well oh okay anyway I know it?s
F F
a roundabout way of saying it but I guess the whole point I?m trying to
F B F B
make is, I, HATE, SAURKROUT! That?s all I?m really trying to say, and by
F B
the way if one day you happen to wake up and find yourself in an
F B F B
exsulstential quandary full of woeing and self doubt and wrapped with the
F B F
pain and isolation of you?re pitiful meaningless existence, at least even
B F
take a small bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in this
B F B F B
crazy old mixed up universe of ours, there?s still a little place, called
F Fm7 B Bm7 F B F Fm7 B Bm7 F B F B
A - lbuquerque, A - lbuquerque! Albuquerque, Albuquerque,
F B F B F
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque,
B F B F B F B F F B B F F B B
Albuquerque, I say A, A, L, L, B, B, U, U? QUERQUE! QUERQUE!
F F B B F F B B F F
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque,
B B F F B B F F B B
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque,
F F B B F F B B F F
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque,
B B F
Albuquerque, Albuquerque,
E-13-13-11-18-16-13-11-13-11/8-6-8-6-4-------1-1-1-1-|
B--------------------------------------1-----1-1-1-1-|
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D------------------------------------------1/3-3-3-3-| (drum solo)
A--------------------------------------------3-3-3-3-|
E--------------------------------------------1-1-1-1-|
(Belch)
|
